Okay, so what is the Enneagram?
The Enneagram is an ancient tool that helps explain oneself – it can be used for self-discovery and spiritual development. Collectively, it can move us towards unity and world peace. As parents, it helps us raise our children more freely and less influenced by our own ego needs. While I have been working with the Enneagram on and off for over 15 years, I still learn from it daily.
I hope that others are as intrigued by it as I am …
The Enneagram provides a framework or understanding of what particular mask a person hides behind, of what basic misunderstanding each of us has of the world around us. While it is very liberating to discover one’s true type; it can also feel exposing and a bit scary. Go gentle with yourself and take some time. Once you discover your true type, there is a new world to look at.
There are nine types, each driven by a basic need, fear or misunderstanding of the world, which influences how they act and what they perceive; paradoxically leading to the very thing they fear most. Each type is named a number; different authors assign different labels to each. I just stick with the numbers.
No number is better or worse than another.
- The 1 has the need to be perfect or right.
- The 2 has the need to be needed.
- The 3 has the need to succeed.
- The 4 has the need to be different.
- The 5 has the need to perceive/know.
- The 6 has the need for structure.
- The 7 has the need to feel no pain.
- The 8 has the need to be against.
- The 9 has the need to be at peace.
Kathleen Hurley, a noted author and researcher on the Enneagram, has a rap song – the lyrics actually do a very good job of explaining each type. Remember, each type has a vice and a virtue – so pay attention to which one bugs you – might be a sign to your type.
Quoted from her book co-authored with Dobson:
My Best Self Using the Enneagram to Free the Soul; excerpted from pp. 35 to 94. Some grammar changed to make it more readable.
Ones
Ones are Achievers, busy beavers they are
Just a-working so hard, got no time to play
Making lots of lists, then checking them twice,
Starts a slow burn of anger, cause that’s their vice.
Wanna be nice, wanna be good –
But saying yes to everyone gives them too many shoulds
Too many projects only half done
Life is hard and then you die – man, that’s no fun.
Twos
Twos are the Helpers, called living saints,
But you’d better be grateful or saints they ain’t,
Gentle and caring, about the problems you face,
They’re like heaven-sent angels just showering grace.
Give lots of advice, have answers for you
Never talk about themselves, that’s strictly taboo
Being oh so sweet, oh so nice
Hides pride – cause that’s their particular vice.
Threes
Places to go and people to see
That’s the way a Three is bound to Succeed
Keep a smile on their face, their head in the air
So everyone’ll think they really going somewhere
If they fail, you can’t tell by looking in their eyes
Too afraid to show it, they wear a disguise
Looking, acting, dressing like a VIP
Don’t matter how they feel, just what you see
Fours
Individualists are special, their number is Four
Gushy feelings so intense they just drip on the floor
Very creative, and they love to preen
Singing, “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen”
French cuisine, the artsy scene are simple pleasures
But a friend who understands is a priceless treasure
Green with envy and acting superior
They’re feeling unlovable and mostly inferior.
Fives
Fives are observers – eccentric old birds
Gather lots of knowledge, don’t need to be heard
Sit and plan and ponder and think things through
Till all the time is gone – there’s no time to do.
Stop feeling and emoting and reacting – my god!
It’s the only way to keep your feet on the sod
Interesting people and clever for sure
Who find social climbing just pure manure
Sixes
Sixes are Guardians, responsible for sure
Following the rules is the way they feel secure
Active, charming people and oh so gracious
But if you dare cross them their behavior’s outrageous
Keepers of tradition, they trust the tried and true
Why change what works for something cheap and new?
‘Cause decisions are difficult, often very scary
They’ll seek advice from everyone –fear makes them wary
Sevens
Sevens are Dreamers, visionary schemers
Fancy lots of money and driving new Beemers
Optimistic and happy, find it tough growing up
‘Cause they shirk from work and run to fun and follow Lady Luck
So mentally creative, with genius unmatched
Don’t try to pen them cause they’ll break the latch
Friends are a joy – just living feels like heaven
They’ll be your friend until the end with happiness their leaven.
Eights
Eights are Confronters – they know the power of words
You may regret you met, but not forget you heard
Ambitious and creative, lusting after power
They think they’re right – they stand and fight until you cower.
Tenderness lies hidden like a mountain’s vein of gold
Sparkles in their caring for the young, the weak, the old
Justice is their purpose, but their strength makes people nervous
Only God is unafraid to lead them into service
Nines
Nines are preservationists, peace is all they seek
Will sit and watch the mountain grow for hours, days and weeks
At work they’re respected, but emotionally neglected
So being easygoing is how they stay connected
Wanna argue? Better plan to be alone
‘Cause, man, they’re outta here, and you are on your own
No setting goals or working or ever making hay
These gentle, lazy peole always choose to play.”
Riso and Hudson, two leading researchers on the Ennegram have authored many significant books on the subject and have a very extensive website. Their written material is very rich. The following from their website shows the practical application of the Ennegram to Parenting:
What Parents Expect From Their Children:
Type One
May demand self-control, reasonableness, regularity, and the ability to delay rewards—that their child be a Little Adult
Type Two
May demand generosity, thoughtfulness, helpfulness, and attention to others—that their child be a Little Helper
Type Three
May demand being outstanding at tasks, fulfilling family hopes, physical perfection, and popularity—that their child be a Little Star
Type Four
May demand sensitivity, artistic creativity, emotional depth, and understanding—that their child be a Little Therapist
Type Five
May demand independence, studiousness, intellectual gifts, and curiosity—that their child be a Little Genius
Type Six
May demand dependability, obedience, perseverance, and trustworthiness—that their child be a Little Trouper
Type Seven
May demand vitality, good humor, resilience, and spontaneity—that their child be a Little Entertainer
Type Eight
May demand toughness, self-sufficiency, courage, and willpower—that their child be a Little Entrepreneur
Type Nine May demand quietness, lack of demands, gentleness, and non-needinesss—that their child be a Little Angel”
(http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/practical.asp)
One helpful insight is that each of us can move from average awareness and integration to a more healthy expression of ourselves. So for example, an average three has the need to be accepted and successful. She is hardworking and very task oriented. She will do what is needed to excel in the eyes of those she wishes to impress. Unfortunately, in doing so, she never gets a chance to tune into what she really wants; she is out of touch with her emotions and uses her intuition only to impress others. She is always acting a role and so when she is accepted, can’t accept the acceptance for it was all an act …. So a three will want to be the perfect mother, doing everything considered right, and can’t consider failure as an option. But she won’t feel a true heart connection to her child.
A healthy three learns to tune into herself and access her emotions. She learns to follow her own path and in turn becomes a model of self-improvement for others. She will still be an energetic type but will become more balanced as she is aware of her threeness.
So, the rap song above and the brief descriptions below are each type in its average state of unconsciousness. Folks who have been doing a lot of personal work on themselves will identify more with the healthier stages as described by Riso and Hudson.
The four has the need to be different and comes from a place of deep emotion. She most desires to be understood but in her constructs always feels different and thus misunderstood. She has a deep intuition. She is often artistic and creative but stands alone in her own emotional drama.
The five has the need for knowledge. She tends to sit on the sidelines and observe. She needs more knowledge to feel secure in the world. She often contributes original ideas and is a great assimilator of information on a global scale.
The six has the need for structure, which often looks like belonging to a group. She is most loyal and needs the group affiliation to feel safe. She is very cautious and is often the keeper of the norms and customs of the community she belongs to.
The seven has the need to feel no pain. She is an energetic type and will move from one activity to another. She is very optimistic and refuses to see the limitations in the situation. She thinks positively of herself and others and bring a spirit of light-heartedness to things.
The eight has the need to not be controlled. She will overreact to any attempt to control her. She is an assertive type and has a huge presence. She is a strong leader and very protective of those inside her family and circle.
The nine has the need to not be in conflict, to be at peace. She doesn’t like to feel or express her anger. She is powerful in a gentle way – independent – but just does’t like direct confrontations. Nines are often most taken for granted.
The one has the need to be right. The rules are to be lived by and the rules keep the one safe. The one lives by a strict set of principles and are often committed to social causes.
The two has the need to be needed. She is most focused on doing for others what they need and in turn is not aware of what she needs. She is very sociable and eager to help and please at the expense of denying her own needs.
